im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
