Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
