I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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