thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
