She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
