and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
