People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
