Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
