Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
