how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
