So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
