i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
