This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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