So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
