Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
