you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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