Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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