You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
