what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
