I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
