I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
