You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
