can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
