I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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