Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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