The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
