felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
