My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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