nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
