maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
