You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
