My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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