last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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