it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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