I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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