can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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