Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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