i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize