I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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