then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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