Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize