Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
