i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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