I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
