The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
