Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
