Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
