"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
