in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
