My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
