dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
