she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
