I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
