Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
