Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize