He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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