i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
