i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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